Moving on ...

............................................................................I used to get caught precisely here, being unable to let go all the feelings, anxieties etc. Some good written works, which I used to read … and I read lot of good written works on mind, psychology etc. … was how to become free from all worries in 24 hrs. I liked this book very much for its tremendous practical value and I had read many other publications of Ramakrishna Math, Vivekananda etc. I feel my time management was not good … time has to be managed as we manage money; all our time needs to be productive. Indirectly, my time was productive in the intangible way, but it was not generating / giving much monetary benefits or profitable income … as know-how services, knowledge or products were being sold, and few for my expertise and services were forthcoming (And, I need to take responsibility for the same as any effect surely has a cause) … I was still in dark as far as my knowledge and expertise was concerned as to how to use them as there was no market currency.

Slowly, I became more bold able to ignore fearful feelings and talk to people with courage … main fear seem to be, what if the person rejects me or condemns me or ill-treats me; Capt. Chakravarthy and others at workplace used to shout quite often on me. And, I had to learn to let go … accept actively and take response-ability not to get hurt and feel bad; I think, I was learning that … more important, I was unable to give my best in the job as I did not seem to have enough energy to assert and forcefully carry out the duties and work tasks … Many   times, I will sleep off hoping to get strengthened and energized, but without much relief; last 14 years the days have passed like this …

I was wondering many times whether, we can be totally free of all thoughts … theoretically yes, but practically a question mark …? Forgiving and letting go, dropping all bitterness from memories gave some relief sometimes; And all the memories had to be dealt more effectively … Most of the memories dealing with personal losses amounted to and apparently seem to have resulted by rejection and condemnation by people in power ! I seem to be carrying lot of hard feelings towards them … anger, resentment or hatred etc., but did not know how to dissolve (Of course vipassana was there and I was practicing) them and get enlivened, vitalized from them. I had to get the support of ecology, nature to get strengthened to overcome the pressures … I had to earn my livelihood and get success.

Everything was inside me … Self had to be managed and empowered; In the process, there was inactivity in outside world … there was no much effective, productive and gainful work in the world; most of the time was spent in planning and techniques to become vitalized, empowered and strong from within, which was taking its own time. I seem to have become very sensitive and living in the energy body or world (by awareness) most of the time … Any negative or reactive thought impulse on mental plane will bring about great energy turmoil, upside down and movement mostly downwards … so, energy follows thoughts !

I had to learn to live with positive thought impulse even in the face of difficult and challenging externals or world – an apparent reality. The life situations were posing great mental burdens and I had to just forget the world and learn to live with the apparent / illusive reality or fact of life.

The greatest challenge was from thoughts (opinions & judgments of close people). They didn’t seem to realize that I was weak and unable to do my best … They thought, I just simply did not work or want to work and that I was giving excuses; this was a great challenge. The guilty feelings were also seem to be present. The feelings that … I am not listening to elders … I was unable to do my duties, earn my livelihood and discharge my family response-abilities … I was not helpful, useful to family members; all this was going on in the mind. The mind was playing its trick … some way had to be found to trick the mind !

SSY gave lot of leads, clues and tips to trick the mind ! I have a specific type of nature, temperament (personality) … it seemed to be insufficient or incapable to deal with managing people; I had to learn to be more outgoing, talkative and dynamic in mixing with people. I could not mix with all kinds of people … only people of positive and bright energies will be comforting and peaceful to me; whenever, I was in the company of contrary people, I felt disturbed … the people who were having inimical thoughts, anti-thoughts (errors) about me will be difficult to live with … My family people, elders and other close people seem to be carrying inimical thoughts about me; I think, I had to give many tests in the examination of life, of people and by the people …

My father along with others was the greatest judge, examiner who has taken so many tests of me … he was one of the prime unbeliever of my usefulness, utility and merit, as he many times did not seem to appreciate my merit in spite of my performance, achievement and show of talent and merit. He put me to test so many times through his associates; one other major development in life was entry of Dr B. K. Pande some 18 years back … he was a nice / good man, intelligent … his younger brother, pradeep pande was still more gifted. I was fortunate to come in contact with both the Pandes … pradeep and Sri (Dr) B. K. pande became little friendly with me, as it seemed they appreciated and realized my merit and potential to some extent … I even visited Dr B. K Pande’s residence / home at Bhopal; our temperament, outlook towards life and attitudes matched to some extent … his interests in agriculture, nature was similar to mine and we enjoyed talking, being together; we had many dialogues, discussions and interactions … pradeep was more intelligent and he had good grasp of life in general; talking to him was always a pleasure; I spent good time with him, whenever he visited me … we had discussions mostly on spiritual topics. He was advanced in spiritual learning and training. By the right understanding, right ideas of the Pandes, my father’s attitude / understanding towards / of me changed / transformed somewhat; he had to change his views, opinions regarding me. All through the life, he had formed his opinions based on my physical achievements or conduct … he had seen me not talking much, not getting much worldly success in interviews despite my brilliance – brilliant performance / earnings in the world; but he had failed in really understanding me (my brilliance, creative brightness), penetrating inside and peeping deep down into me … he could not appreciate, understand my difficulties, problems – hurts, rejection / condemnation and sufferings, I was going through with the people outside … moreover, he was acting as though, he was defending himself for his errors and mistakes; I was unable to take his judgments, wrong / erroneous knowledge, understanding, opinions about me and things in general … he was more business like, commercial and materialistic with accounts, sales etc. background whereas I was more technical, scientific, spiritual and research –minded and type; so we could not meet at the same frequency or comfortable wavelength or bandwidth. Also, discussions with ashish mukerjee proved to be turning point in his understanding towards me as he understood me somewhat and in turn could make my father understand in right way … all this was, I believe God directed and planned for which, I am very grateful to existence.

I met few other gifted / learned people … some learned astrologers were helpful many times in clearing the misunderstanding. The first such learned man was a nepali pundit, who saw my greatness in my horoscope and predicted that I am very intelligent (teevra budhi) will be great mathematician and philosopher; that I was like Rama and God had sent him to set worldly things right for me. It was a prophecy comes true in many respects. Some other learned men were pundits from East and south, who also predicted great things about me. At Hyderabad, I must mention the name of one other great learned man – a teacher by profession … retired, who became very close to me. I had many interactions / dialogues with him and he had great learning and his talks were very inspiring, vitalizing and empowering; the words were quite soothing and I am grateful for this as if Divine planned … some other learned men also came in my life at Hyderabad, who had nice things to say about me.

Actual living and practicing these Truths which they found in me was not being actualized in experience in life to 100 %. Of course, my interests, inclinations were more towards natural way of living; support of nature was also coming, but together with worldly challenges … how to optimize the two i.e., facing the challenge, how to live the spiritual or natural way of life was the big question … (?) I had to clear the mind of all its reactions by right understanding & ideas … ALL right ideas and right understanding come from God Mind (or God Conscious), God’s Kingdom and Spiritual Universe – Home of All Natural Laws, Infinite organizing power of nature’s laws … Infinite creative intelligence of Cosmic Mind (Consciousness); And , I was getting many inspirations, insights and original seed ideas as to mind, thoughts and their working and I wished to take up some research projects to bring to light these insights, which were buried deep down under the darkness … So far, I have not been able to get proper, effective or material support and I hope that it is coming …

As I march towards my spiritual un-foldment through worldly challenges, I consider myself more blessed ………………………………………………………

I am also grateful that so many learned people have come into my life … One more wise person was Dr Saroj Pande, a reiki tradition, Independent Teacher … I learned many things from her; By satsangh or company of wise and learned people, life can become very enriched, peaceful, balanced and well conducted …………………… I am grateful that Maharishi Mahesh Yogi and his knowledge & discovery in the form of modern scientific knowledge has come to me and I could feel the hunger for the same to imbibe & assimilate it and realize / experience within myself. He talks about connection of physiology with Universe and its various heavenly bodies and other constituents … In this connection, I remember wondering and asking a question to Dr Abraham Varghese, a noted Psychiatrist at Vellore, whether some aspect or points or regions in the Universe are connected to brain and its various regions (or points in the brain) in some way or in certain manner … and also whether pineal gland is the seat of soul … Earlier sometime, I was reading / studying a booklet or notebook on Maharishi’s forum of Natural Laws as found in physiology. It seems to be wonderful, mysterious and unique book and I wish, I could fully understand and comprehend all of it … I believe it contains whole of Veda and it is wholeness on the move. The totality of science behind Creation and the science within consciousness …

If I have to go back to my life to pick up important / crucial events … I would pick up attending Vipassana meditation in 1990 for the first time for 10 days; the experiences from that were really an eye opener, revealing towards mind – body relationship and working of mind or physiology … Other major events are, apart from my selection in IIT, good educational/academic school-college background, good performance in competitive exams etc. successfully completing EKS advanced diploma management, support from Productivity Council, Baroda, attending Vivekananda Kendra, Bangalore Research Foundation, meeting V.Kiran Jaycees, support from M K Agarwal, getting the membership of Institution of Engineers (visiting Visveswarayya Bhavan), doing lateral thinking Creativity workshop, meeting K P Ramesh, meeting and coming into contact with

Iyer saab, meeting G V Mohan, BHUOSA, joining ASCI (Bowonder), meeting Ashish Mukherjee, Dr B K Pande, Pradeep Pandey and Dr Saroj Pandey and also Dr Bhagawan Prasad, Gopalswamy, Steve & Bob at MIM, Dr S C Bhargava (IEEE), Alias Bandrapalli (Christian Science), attending Amateur Radio and A Subramanyam (EKS)

Creative Workshop (Lateral Thinking) by Synergy Systems (Dr …….., IIT, Chennai guy) was very successful. My creative abilities were brought to focus and limelight and I even sent the form for becoming certified Instructor for De Bono methods; Of course, it didn’t materialize. Also, Rosicrucian attendance at Kolkata and membership of Noetic Science Institute  …. I am grateful to all the negative experiences (weeds) and events for all these positive events (seeds) !

The EKS course helped me a lot (great deal) to clarify my thinking into practical action … Time management and clear goal - setting removes wastages, losses and makes us act in a mature and responsible manner. Time has to be managed, as if money has to be managed. Each moment is precious and it should not be wasted.

And my greatest regret is that, I couldn’t utilize my merits in a profitable, productive and remunerative manner. Also, I have undergone and taken various psychological tests … Mental capacities and Personality testing has indicated Research capability, innovative interest and a career of a scientist, social worker/reformer, head of educational / Institutional Organizations imparting education etc. The personality and temperamental tests had shown soft - sensitive nature …. It is one thing to be able to work and also other thing is to create ecology, circumstances to be able to work.

I am really grateful for whatever God has given me and whatever support I have received from family, friends and society. I consider myself blessed that WORDLY CHALLENGES has unfolded my spiritual potential. I am indeed grateful for this. I have started seeing God’s work and hand in every inspiration, insight and I feel God is guiding, planning my every step on path. This feeling of God’s direction gives me immense peace, security and feeling of calmness that whatever inspiration & insight that comes to me- is not my own. It gives a tremendous realization that everything happens on it’s own innate, natural operation and process, of-course, man acts as an instrument and he has to move and act through his body-mind complex taking the help of God given resources and in partnership with the Holy Spirit.  

There is no I, or my and mine ness which is bringing this insight, inspiration and realization. And I am a mere observer, witness to these developments. This egoistic, I is really insignificant in this vast ocean of infinite great cosmos, Universe and unbound, limitless creation & existence. The nature is so perfect. All the natural operation of laws are so perfect- rising of the Sun, the Moon, movement of stars, changing of the weather, coming of going of the tides, falling of the rains etc., are all so beautiful and perfect.

I have oneness with this entire phenomenon. I am not isolated … I am connected with everyone and everyone or thing is connected to me. Everything in this Universe is connected to each other in some mysterious relationship / ways – some mathematical or scientific principles. And if we can master these principles, we can live in harmony and balance with creation and all its creatures.

This is a great TRUTH that we can know of and really actualize it in our life and daily living by the truth and principles governing it.

I believe that God is directing everything to happen. Whenever, I take up some work /task, project or decision, I start asking myself why God wants me to do this or take up this. At every step I start communing to God spirit – the ever-present Holy Spirit and creative energy containing all the natural laws, principles and intelligence and knowledge. This is Veda – the total knowledge of creation within the MAN & PHYSIOLOGY.

Each mind is hidden Veda ... Each soul is potentially divine ... Divinity is within each mind. We need to discover this knowledge – divinity within ourselves. I was always fascinated by the cosmic connection of individual man, mind and what kind of connection, relationship was this. I think Jesus explained this beautifully. He mentioned about the “son-ship of man to God, cosmos, Universal Mind“. He said, he was the son of his heavenly father - that means, man is created in his father's image - like father like son. So, man has to be a reflection of his heavenly creator, the Kingdom of heaven - home of all Natural laws, creative intelligence and evolutionary forces of nature and creation with all its qualities. I have come to absorb all this TRUTH as it comes to my consciousness. And, I believe them to be true. Important thing is conviction and faith. Religious teachings are never wrong. They are true forever.

We find that we in our conscious or unconscious mind create our own destiny and if we have to master our life and destiny, we can do it by living and acting in understanding, righteousness that is true living in tune with nature (or yogic living). This way we get the support of Nature. All the forces of Nature start helping us. Positive forces of intelligence, guidance, direction, insights, and impulses of intelligent information come to us in our consciousness from the underlying creative life energy and we get the solution for our worldly challenges.

The greatest learning is to practice and live without complaining, expecting and taking responsibility for every event, happening and making positive things happen. This will give the joy of life / living, achievement and success.

Letting go off expectations is great learning. It makes us positive and proactive. We are not deterred by failures and mishaps. We take initiative, responsibility to make things better, to bring positive changes in the world and leave the world a better place to live when we leave this world. This can happen when we stop complaining and start acting to correct the things and improve the circumstances.

Work has to become the joy of life. When there is obstruction to the flow of life, growth and progress is stalled.

1997 saw completion of two decades of Professional Engineering education! Onwards march had begun…..

For the last 3 years, since 1994, I was associated with ABC (Projects) India Ltd.,   a TCI – Gati Group Company. This was the time when frequent emotional trauma-turmoil & depressions started; I was unable to concentrate and be active & energetic. Also, my efficiency at office reduced & was low.

Energy low-down & drain was the order of the day. My workout at Gati was frequently fraught with uncertainties & confusion due to emotional sickness and lack of concentration. During 1996-7-8, I frequented Spiritual courses & programs for Self growth and management.

Year 1998 was in many ways a watershed year; it marked the beginning of downfall of the brilliance, brightness and talent which was characteristic of the author through a series – sequence of events especially from 2001, which was to culminate into total change in the Life situation towards adversity, negativity & downfall, activities and Self-image

Year 1999 saw me getting scholarship of Java at Comp-u-learn, Hyderabad in the year in which good part of the year was spent in Kolkata fooling around with non essentials & non – productive relationship.

During 2000, I did few Energy audits in association with IIPE, Copes which did not last long due to professional rivalry / condemnation and the year ended with assignment with an Industry in Punjab and membership of themanagementor. com and APPC workout for NMDC. 

I came into contact with Dr Suresh, Mr Ramakrishna of themanagenentor.com, Pradeep Aggarwal, Sri Venkataramana of IICT. Also, I attended 10 days Vipassana camp. Dr NPSubramanyam, teacher became close to me and I came in contact with Sri YN Murthy of ITM, who tried but failed to help me professionally...

Year 2001 started with a stint with NIAR (National Institute of Amateur Radio) and ended with promoting Midhani Titanium Orthopaedic products interspersed in between with helping out AP Tech franchisee and Master Infotech of the Master Consultant & group and visiting IICT for Project work - spending a week for trial work. Also, keeping in touch with Venkataramana and associating as Business Development Executive / Chartered Engineer at Copes, IIPE.                                               

I attended 20 days Vipassana camp at Dehradun during the fag end – September.

Great Earthquake shook the state of Gujarat on 26^th Jan 2001. Somewhere within also, bigger earthquake shook me from inside...  upside down from which, I have not yet been able to recover from that. Slowly and steadily, I have been suppressed ever since that day with few bright days in between. From Mukerian, NIAR to Infotech, IIPE, Midhani, themanagementor.com and nisiet, every experience has made me more value added, worthy and useful …

Year 2002 was a damper. I spent 20 days attending Vipassana camp, visiting SEVA, J K Centre and meeting Vijay kamalapuri for personal discussions with few silver lining and high & bright spot on the horizon, that of nisiet contract – assignment, selection in Hindi Creative writing workshop at Sikkim and correspondence with Gavin Ritz of New Zealand ...

When I came in contact with Vijay Kamalapuri in the beginning of the year 2002, I was quite healthy, strong and in self control but without any paying, remunerative and lucrative job.

Seva volunteer, anusuya was welcome sunshine. She was especially concerned for me along with Dr Malathi & Dr Laxmi (BK) of NIMS. I came into contact with two divine personalities Dr G Ramulu (Shri Ram) and Murthy guruji of Bhimli, Visakhapatnam and also EPTRI faculties Smt Razia Sultana and Gowtham.

And then started one of the worst downs of my life, which continues with only exception of working for Mr Sharma (marbles), acquaintance of Dr Bhargava and associating with International School of Thinking ... May be it is for good, who knows !

Two major achievements or developments in the New Millennium (2000-1-2-3) are association with IIPE, Copes for few cautious & measured weeks and nisiet (now called nimsme), which indicated recognition to a certain extent of my professional expertise and brilliance & scholarship, despite extreme Mental Pressure which has tied /slowed me down.

The five years (5) from 2004 – 2009 are times of revival, an upstart with fits & starts and jerks which we shall look into later …